Love, Logic & Jesus

Jesus & Enforceable Statements

noreply@blogger.com (Pastor Benjamin Squires) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:17:00 +0000

You’d think that every statement Jesus made would automatically be an enforceable statement. After all, He has the Holy Spirit on His side. Couldn’t He simply compel us to follow His will?

Ah, yes, I suppose He could; He is God. However, God in His infinite wisdom doesn’t work like that. While we can’t possibly choose God—choose to believe Him, follow Him, live for Him—without the power of the Holy Spirit, God still allows us to reject Him through our own sinful nature. So despite the fact that Jesus is God, His statements are not instantaneously and automatically enforceable. Through sin, we can reject Jesus. Therefore, when we find examples of Jesus making enforceable statements, it’s not an accident. Jesus remains the best at Love & Logic.

The most commonly repeated enforceable statement from Jesus is “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” It’s a rather frustrating statement, because it kind of sounds like Jesus isn’t going to do anything about making people listen to Him. And while it is certainly true that Jesus wants all people to be saved, goes out searching for us like lost coins-sheep-sons, and continues to send His Holy Spirit into our hearts to convert us, Jesus still allows for people to ignore Him.

“He who has ears to hear, let him hear” (Luke 8:8, English Standard Version) is kind of like saying, “If you listen, I will tell you the Good News of salvation.” It is the most basic form of an enforceable statement. As parents, we can tell our children what we will do/say if they act/listen.

When our oldest son, Samuel, was almost 3, I found that it isn’t so much the action that keeps him from behaving, but rather his ears. I say, “Samuel, I will let you keep holding your cars if you are a helper about changing your diaper.” He continues to run away, kick, roll out of my hands, etc. He did not listen, so he missed the part about the cars being taken away. He did not listen, so he didn’t even realize that his misbehavior was going to have consequences. “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” After I take away the cars, Samuel suddenly remembers he has ears; he listens more the next time (sometimes) as I say an enforceable statement.

There are other examples of Jesus using enforceable statements—explaining how He will follow through on a promise if people listen or act in response:

** When Jesus calls the first disciples saying, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” Really Jesus is saying, “If you follow me, I will make you fishers of men.” He promises to use those men as His evangelists if they follow Him. The statement was prepared to handle someone deciding to stay with his boats. The unenforceable statement would have been: “Be my fishers of men!” (Matthew 4:18-22)

** When Jesus calls Matthew and goes to eat at his house, the Pharisees grumble that Jesus shouldn’t eat with tax collectors and sinners. Knowing that the Pharisees didn’t really have their listening ears on, Jesus does not go into a long defense of His methods. Instead, He uses an enforceable statement: “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means, 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Jesus would teach them about His methods once they came prepared to learn. (Matthew 9:9-13)

** Although the earliest manuscripts do not include John 7:53-8:11, it is probably once the best examples of enforceable statements—or actually an unenforceable statement. The woman caught in adultery is brought before Jesus, and the scribes and Pharisees want Jesus to either condemn her to death or to expose Himself to their accusations that He does not uphold the Law correctly. Rather than falling into their trap, Jesus makes the Pharisees and scribes consider an unenforceable statement: “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” The Pharisees and scribes know they are sinful; to stone the woman would be agreeing with this unenforceable statement. In this case, the enforceable statement behind the words of Jesus might be something like: “If you are without sin, I will allow you to stone this woman.”

Of course, as I hinted at the beginning, using Jesus an example for enforceable statements does not always translate into what works with us. Jesus can make statements that are unenforceable (for us) but are enforceable for Him. He can predict the future (Peter’s denial, Judas’ betrayal, His own death), and we cannot (whether our children will fail a class, get arrested). However, while we must accept our limitations (we can’t really follow WWJD at all times), enforceable statements certainly help us acknowledge our limitations. We can control our behavior—not the behavior of our children.

Class Notes from Thursday, October 2

noreply@blogger.com (Pastor Benjamin Squires) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:50:00 +0000

In today's posting:
>> Class Notes
>> Jesus Notes: When Lack of Faith was Affordable
>> Jesus Notes: Teaching Faith by Example
>> Jesus Notes: Brain Dead at Trial
>> Aesop Notes: The Little Red Hen
>> Love, Logic & Spider-man Shoes

Class Notes - Thursday, October 2, 2008

** One of the best quotes I have heard from someone sharing what happened when using Love & Logic with their children: After repeatedly using the “I know” empathetic response, the 4 year old says, “I know you know but I don’t know.”
** The goal is to create kids with a voice in their head that wonders about the consequences of their actions (before acting) and envisions how it will affect themselves and others.
** Going brain dead and saying something like “Oh” when there’s misbehavior allows some stalling before you must respond plus gives you time to say to yourself, “Don’t say what I want to say.”
** Every time we use empathy; we teach it. Empathy is contagious, which means our kids will grow up to be empathetic.

** The “E” principles of Love & Logic:
>>Example – kids learn from our example not our lectures
>>Experiences – allow children to experience affordable mistakes early in life rather than later in life when mistakes aren’t as affordable
>>Empathy – allow children to make mistakes and then show them that you understand that it hurts, is crummy, etc.

** Sending a child to their room after just an “Uh oh” teaches them that there is a response, no repeated warnings, gives them time to have a fit and cool off, and then realize they’d rather be with the family.

Jesus Notes: When Lack of Faith was Affordable
You can see in the Gospels that as Jesus taught the disciples there were times when He was allowing them to make affordable mistakes. Namely, He let them make mistakes while He was still around to teach and keep them safe.

When Jesus walks on the water out to the disciples in a boat, Peter asks to come out to Him. So Jesus tells Peter to come out and walk on the water to Him. Peter does so, but when Peter sees the waves, he gets afraid. He starts to sink and shouts, “Lord, save me!” Jesus caught him and said, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” Jesus and Peter climb into the boat, and the wind and waves calmed down. Peter and the disciples then said, “Truly You are the Son of God!” (Matthew 14:22-33)

Here was an affordable mistake. Jesus probably knew that Peter’s faith wasn’t strong enough to truly believe that Jesus was going to make it possible for him to walk on water. Yet, Jesus let Peter try and make the mistake of losing faith in a situation where Jesus could keep him safe and a situation which wasn’t a matter of salvation.

Jesus Notes: Teaching Faith by Example
A synagogue ruler named Jairus comes to Jesus saying, “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put Your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.” So Jesus goes with Him. However, on the way, He’s interrupted by a crowd and a woman seeking to be healed. Meanwhile, some men came from Jairus’ house to say that the daughter had died. They say, “Why bother the teacher anymore?”—-meaning, “Might as well send Jesus home.”

Before Jairus can agree with the men, Jesus teaches faith by example when He says, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”

So they travel to Jairus’ house where they find everyone crying and wailing, mourning the dead daughter. Again, Jesus teaches faith by example and ignores what’s going on. He says, “She’s not dead but asleep.” He goes to the child’s room, wakes her up, and brings her out to be with everyone.

If Jairus watched everyone else, he would’ve lost hope. If he watched Jesus, he would’ve learned by example what it means to have faith and trust in God.

Jesus Notes: Brain Dead at Trial
Perhaps it’s not the right way to think about one of the most important moments of salvation history, but it seems like Jesus went brain dead while in front of Pontius Pilate. Now Jesus stood before the governor, and the governor asked him, "Are you the King of the Jews?" Jesus said, "You have said so." [12] But when he was accused by the chief priests and elders, he gave no answer. [13] Then Pilate said to him, "Do you not hear how many things they testify against you?" [14] But he gave him no answer, not even to a single charge, so that the governor was greatly amazed. (Matthew 27:11-14, ESV) The more Pilate challenged Jesus, the less Jesus said. Jesus realized that a lecture wasn’t going to work on Pilate, King Heord, or the Jewish leaders who wanted Him dead. So instead, He said very little. Pilate in the end seemed befuddled by Jesus, but it’s clear that Jesus loved him (and us) too much to argue.

Aesop Notes: The Little Red Hen
In leading a Bible study about Matthew, I compared a series of parables of Jesus with Aesop’s fable, “The Little Red Hen.” If you’re curious on how there could be connection between Jesus and the Hen, click here.

Reading the fable, I realized that I think Little Red Hen uses Love & Logic. See if you agree with me that she remains calm in her answers; allows the cat, goose, and rat to make an affordable mistake; and locks in the empathy before explaining the consequences.

Little Red Hen found a grain of wheat. "Who will plant this?" she asked. "Not I," said the cat. "Not I," said the goose. "Not I," said the rat. "Then I will," said Little Red Hen.

So she buried the wheat in the ground. After a while it grew up yellow and ripe. "The wheat is ripe now," said Little Red Hen. "Who will cut and thresh it?" "Not I," said the cat. "Not I," said the goose. "Not I," said the rat. "Then I will," said Little Red Hen.

So she cut it with her bill and threshed it with her wings. Then she asked, "Who will take this wheat to the mill?" "Not I," said the cat. "Not I," said the goose. "Not I," said the rat. "Then I will," said Little Red Hen.

So she took the wheat to the mill, where it was ground. Then she carried the flour home. "Who will make me some bread from this flour?" she asked. "Not I," said the cat. "Not I," said the goose. "Not I," said the rat. "Then I will," said Little Red Hen.

So she made and baked the bread. Then she said, "Now we shall see who will eat this bread." "We will," said cat, goose, and rat. "I am quite sure you would," said Little Red Hen, "if you could get it." Then she called her chicks, and they ate up all the bread. There was none left at all for the cat, or the goose, or the rat.

If Little Red Hen is using Love & Logic, that means Aesop (mid-6th century BC) developed this concept long before Jim and Charles. I think they should give Aesop some credit!

Love, Logic, & Spider-man Shoes

Our friend, Emily Dunbar, is way ahead of me on this Love & Logic parenting stuff, and in a great post to her Website, Dunbar, Nebraska, she recounts an example of using Love & Logic in a good way while also admitting how tough it is to do it. Go here to read the story.

Class Notes from Thursday, September 18

noreply@blogger.com (Pastor Benjamin Squires) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 02:57:00 +0000

In today's posting:
>> Class Notes
>> Jesus Notes: Limits
>> Jesus Notes: Locking in the Empathy

Class Notes – Thursday, September 18, 2008

These are just some of the phrases and concepts that really jumped out at me from the first module. While it would be correct to properly give credit and sources for each quote, I'm afraid I'm not that meticulous about who on video said certain things, or whether it was from written materials. Forgive me.

These are also in no particular order.

** Adults take care of themselves by providing limits in a loving way.
** Limits on children on maintained with compassion, understanding, and empathy.
** The adult's empathy is "locked in" before the consequences are applied.
** Are we ruining a child's psyche if we make her upset--or does a child's psyche suffer more damage by training her to have no limits?
** That look of love and security in a child's face when they know the limits, knowing that a parent loves them enough to set limits. (I've seen this myself, and maybe would call it the "The Discovery of a Rule," where my child's face lights up when he can repeat back to us the rule we just taught him. He seems proud to keep telling us that he can't touch a hot stove).

Jesus Notes: Limits
It's interesting how many times people reject Christianity, because it doesn’t sound loving that God would have so many rules or that God actually punishes people for sinning (doing bad things). Yet, here in this parenting course, we realize that children do much better in life if parents set limits—providing those limits in a loving way, of course.

If this works in parenting, certainly it works in the big picture of God parenting His Creation. God doesn’t set limits on us because He’s a mean ogre; He sets limits because He knows that His way would be the best for us. He provides His limits in a loving way—telling us of His love, care, forgiveness for mistakes, His undying commitment to us.

Jesus Notes: Locking in the Empathy
As the first module discussed “locking in” the empathy before delivering the consequences, I couldn’t help but to see Jesus in this model for parenting. Yes, we don’t have any examples of Jesus parenting children (or even disciplining children), but the way He often dealt with people was that empathetic response followed by the consequences.

One such instance was with a woman in John chapter 4. Jesus offered the woman the hope of eternal life, showed compassion and care for her, before He led her to confess her sins. The empathy was locked in, because she went away from the conversation rejoicing about meeting Jesus. She wasn’t crushed; she wasn’t embarrassed; she didn’t say Jesus was judgmental. She rejoiced that He knew her sin, but He still had offered her “living water,” the hope of life after death through the Messiah, Him.

You can read my sermon about this story by going to my sermon site (John 4:5-26,28-30,39-42).

Just as it is important for our empathy to be clearly experienced by our children before they hear the consequences for their misbehavior, so it is important that we see that the Gospel of Jesus is true and real forgiveness that isn’t destroyed by our sins. There are consequences for our sins, but love and forgiveness is locked in God’s heart of hearts.

A Lesson Not in the Love & Logic Course:Send Away the Payday Loan Store Woman

noreply@blogger.com (Pastor Benjamin Squires) — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 19:39:00 +0000

Before I first took the Love & Logic course two years ago, I was on State Street in Madison using using what the course calls the Mobile “Uh-Oh” Device.

Jim and Charles Fay talk about using the bedroom as the consequence for an “uh-oh,” misbehavior by a child. However, when you’re out in public, there are no bedrooms. So you can use a stroller, or if a stroller isn’t available, you can either have the child stand in a corner or simply sit down on the floor—holding them safely on your lap while they have a fit.

It was the last option that came to me by divine intervention (since I hadn’t yet heard Charles explain that this is part of the Love & Logic technique).

We were in Madison visiting my brother-in-law and his girlfriend. Thursday we spent the day on the University of Wisconsin campus, meeting my brother-in-law, Jamie, for lunch and then meeting his girlfriend, Elisabeth, for the bus ride home. While waiting for Elisabeth at the campus end of State Street, we had enough time to go into the campus bookstore.

However, our decision as parents to enter the bookstore went against what our two-year old wanted to do. Samuel’s plan was to play in the leaves. Not sensing how dedicated he was to this activity, I picked him up and entered the store where Samuel mimicked a tree shedding its leaves in a mighty autumn wind. He completely fell apart into a crying mess that could not be controlled. Limbs spun out of control, his body went limp, cries and shouts shrieked past everyone’s ears, and tears fell like rain.

Not wanting to continue being a new public art exhibit in the bookstore, I decided to take our art to the street. I went outside—naively thinking we could just return to the world’s most wonderful pile of leaves. Except Samuel was too far into his performance art now to step out of character. So I did the only thing I could think of: sat down, held him on my lap, said calm things into his ears, and smiled sheepishly at the college students who were walking by in droves down State Street (a pedestrian mall).

Some students looked shocked to see a small person having a tantrum there on campus. Other students who appeared to be in school mainly for the social networking possibilities looked at me like I was some kind of freak. Couples who were holding hands suddenly let go of each other. Girls tried to smile at Samuel saying he was cute and hoping that would solve everything.

According to Charles Fay, I was doing the right thing. Samuel was getting the message that it was more fun to refrain from having a fit. A fit simply meant having to sit there and not do anything. I was using the Mobile “Uh-Oh” Device, staying with it despite the gawks and stares of the too cool college students, and looking back on this, I feel like maybe I don’t need to complete the Love & Logic course because I just have the knack intuitively. . .

Then the Payday Loan Store woman showed up.

Charles and Jim don’t warn you about this on the video, but always send the Payday Loan Store (PLS) woman away. I used to only think that you should refuse the PLS woman because of the extortion interest rates. Now, though, I see that the real reason to send the PLS woman away is because she goes against Love & Logic.

The PLS woman came walking by, and I suppose we should say, bless her heart, she wanted to have compassion on the melted, sobbing mess of Samuel on my lap. (She apparently didn’t get the performance art act). As a marketing technique, the PLS woman was handing out balloons and Payday candy bars to Madison students. She also then happened to be well-equipped for solving a crying child.

Before I could think fast enough to refuse to sign onto the PLS woman’s scheme, I let her hand Samuel a balloon and a candy bar. To Samuel’s credit, he did partially see through this woman’s ploy and wanted nothing to do with the balloon. (This caused a new level of hysteria until I could untie the balloon from his belt loop. Apparently, Samuel has already learned that I don’t like payday loan stores, and therefore, he didn’t want to be a walking billboard for such a business—balloon or not).

However, Samuel did enjoy tasting the sweet rewards of his endeavors. The tantrum had gained him access to the chocolate, caramel, and peanuts of the Payday candy bar. If I had gone with my gut, I would’ve sent the PLS woman farther down State Street with her high interest rates and evil candy. The whole idea of sitting on the ground was that Samuel was trapped (safely) until the fit was over and then we could return to having fun. The idea wasn’t that he should receive candy for his efforts.

Well, it turns out I need the Love & Logic course, because some of this just isn’t intuitive. You have to stick with something like the Mobile “Uh-oh” Device even when everyone else looks at you like you’re being completely mean and batty.

But one thing the Love & Logic course won’t tell you is this: send the Payday Loan Store woman away. Don’t let her trick you with an instant loan of candy when you’re trying to build your child’s saving account of responsibility and ability to understand logical consequences.